How To Shit in the Woods
We’ve all been there—a weight in your lower gut is prohibiting you from expressing your true freedom on the slopes. A medicine ball crammed in your intestines, causing you to squeeze cheek in fear of turning those nice white briefs into a muddy, tie-dye brown. You have to sh*t, and your only viable alternative is chancing it, which will most likely end in catastro-feces all over your all-over print, or head for the hills to squat and thrust your way to browntown greatness. This installment of Droppin’ Knowledge is meant to inform you on how to drop some stunning russet nuggets in the woods when number two is priority number one; ’cause when nature comes calling, the brown starts falling...
- Tom Monterosso
Remember, always have a plan. When you get into the backcountry or onto the slopes, scope out an area that would be fitting for a sh*tting. Practice some emergency drills by having your friend blast you in the guts with a right hook to simulate the feeling, and then time your trip to the designated location. From punch to poop should be no more than forty-five seconds. 2. Now, it’s time. This is not a drill—you just bomb-holed the landing, and you’re about to hole-bomb your under-coverings. Here are your options…
THE LOG SQUAT:
This time-tested method involves finding a log, tree, branch, or stump that can hold your weight. This is important, because if said seat snaps under the pressure, you’re in for a very unpleasant treat awaiting you on the ground below. This stool-for-your-stool method is an easy option, but it can turn ugly real fast, so choose wisely, Grasshopper.
THE LEAN BACK:
This is another method involving a branch of some sort, so remember the previous warnings. This technique requires more upper body strength, as you’re holding yourself from falling backwards. Once you feel your arms getting weak (and they will), you’re done for, so post-haste, partner! Fire one off quick, and you’re likely to escape clean.
THE BUDDY SYSTEM:
Also known as the “Team Steam,” this is the most advanced of all methods, and involves another person, whom you must completely trust. If not, the Buddy System can quickly turn into the “Muddy System” for you and your poo-pal. Simply drop your pants simultaneously (while looking straight ahead, perv), interlock your fingers extra tight, lean back, lock your arms, and let ’er rip. It’s a “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” technique that allows you to double-time a double-deuce.
Now there are plenty more methods out there, and to each his own—these are just a few suggestions. If you have a better technique, do it. Just don’t go blaming us if the sh*t hits the fan. Here are a few more tips to take into account when scatting on the slopes.
- When sh*tting in the woods, you are in the worst situation to defend yourself, and the most susceptible to attack from bears, yetis, boars, wolverines, and woodland perverts. When venturing into the woods, always bring some form of weapon to defend yourself (i.e., bear spray, mace, a hatchet, a stick, or a rocket launcher).
- Pack it in, pack it out. Sounds disgusting, but nothing should be left behind, even the things that come from your behind. Bag it up and carry it out, especially in National Forests, or you’re susceptible to a hefty ticket and a visit from the karma-fairy down the line.
- Aside from packing in your own sh*t-tickets (the best-case scenario), there are plenty of options that the woods afford the wiper:
- Tree bark
- Trail maps
- Bandanas (the dangler to catch your danglers)
- Shirt sleeves
- Snowmobile user manuals
- Goggle chamois
- Topsheet stickers
- Park rails
Now upload your best poo ...
Photos: Aaron Dodds